When I graduated college a few years back, it seemed like I had everything lined up for me. I was headed to Kansas City to finally be in the same city as my long-distance boyfriend of two years, I had a teaching job lined up, and would start classes for my Master’s degree in education soon after I arrived. That boyfriend soon became my fiancé, and after a whirlwind seven months of teaching, wedding planning, and night classes, we got married.
From the outside, everything was perfect. But from the inside? My heart was aching.
I went to work and classes and lived life with my new husband, but life felt routine and lacking purpose. I missed the ministry and friends I had in college and felt like I wasn’t making an impact anywhere. My marriage had its sweet moments and we loved each other deeply, but it was also much harder than we’d expected. Physical intimacy was confusing and impacted our hearts in ways that I could never have expected. It felt like we just kept having one hard conversation after another as we navigated the waters of our new oneness and how we could live that out in real life.
And in the midst of all that, the God who was once my refuge felt a million miles away. My quiet times felt dry and boring and distant, and I found myself turning to anything I could to avoid those awkward interactions with God. I was angry that He had “abandoned” me when I felt I needed him most, and so I stopped pursuing Him at all as a result.
My once joyful and optimistic heart started to feel heavy and overwhelmed, and I found myself crying uncontrollably in my car on my way to work. I felt overwhelmed with shame because I had a great family, a wonderful, loving, husband, a good job, and no visible reason to be depressed. That could only mean one thing: there was something wrong with ME, and even though everything else in my life was perfect, I just couldn’t be okay.
But even in all that shame and sadness and confusion, God still pursued me. I made the decision to see a counselor, and working with her started to unravel the tangled strands that comprised our marriage, my depression, and my relationship with God.
I started to see that God was good, even in the midst of my disappointment with my new “adult life” that didn’t leave me as happy and fulfilled as the movies made me think it would.
I started to see that His love for me was big enough to see through my demands for what I thought I needed to be happy, and that He instead offered me Himself: His love, His grace, His invitation into a life that could be full even in the midst of the routine.
It took a year of feeling sad, isolated, and numb for me to admit something was wrong and seek help. I was too overwhelmed by shame to believe that my story mattered, that my heart was worth the time and energy it would take to find healing and hope. Going through six months of counseling opened my eyes to God’s goodness in the midst of my pain, His grace in the midst of my shame, and His promises of hope even when things were hard in my marriage.
The last few years of being a “grownup” have stretched me, broken me, and reminded me over and over that God is always good. I’ve learned that my heart is worth fighting for, whether that fight looks like taking the time to sit down and express my feelings to God or choosing to meet with a counselor and work through where He is in my journey.
After a year in wandering in the darkness, God allured me into the quiet wilderness where I could finally hear His voice (Hosea 2:14). He spoke tenderly to me of His heart for me and He reminded me that in His kingdom, my heart is radiant and will never be covered with shame (Psalm 34:5).
I am so grateful.
Lauren English and her husband live in Kansas City, MO. They spend their days teaching Spanish and other life skills to teenagers, snuggling their puppy, Olive, and eagerly awaiting the arrival of their first little one in March 2016. Lauren blogs about faith, marriage, life, and all the things she and her hubby do to turn their house into a home over at Sobremesa Stories. To share life and connect with Lauren, follow her on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Pinterest.
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What a raw and honest testimony…a lot of it would describe me, as I entered marriage without a clue in the world (or a thought in my head).
Thank you for sharing this. I think, and hope, that it will reach and help many women.
And many men.
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser recently posted…Your Dying Spouse 50 – Listening To Doubt
Thanks, Andrew! The more I talk to people, the more I realize that most of us enter marriage with little to no idea of what we’re getting ourselves into. 🙂 But in the end, it usually turns out pretty darn good if we’re willing to fight for it. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
My 23 year old son always tells me it isn’t so much fun being a grown up….he would go back to Mom and Dad being in charge in a heartbeat, lol. I know he doesn’t really mean it but understand where he is coming from. You shared so beautifully here. I love “God continues to pursue us even in our darkest times.” ♥
Nannette and the Sweetheart recently posted…For this child we prayed…Rachel and Kyle’s Miracle
Haha thanks, Nanette! I love that your son said that. It would be nice to not have to “grownup” and do the hard things sometimes but overall, I definitely love where I am! Thanks for reading and for your sweet words!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
Wow! Powerful post, Lauren! What a mighty GOD we serve! … Thanks for sharing and hosting, Holly! Peace and many blessings to both of you incredible women of GOD! 🙂
Thanks, Tai! Same to you!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
Lauren, I many of us experience a sadness as we marry what we thought adult like was going to be and what it is. It is great that in your sadness you sought help for your depression. Thanks for being transparent in sharing your truth. Be blessed! – Kia
So, so true. It’s hard to wrap our minds around this new season of life and combine expectations with reality (even though I’m learning that the reality of being an adult does have so much sweetness and goodness in it too). Thanks for your sweet words, Kia!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
Becoming a “grownup” is a tough transition. My daughter is going through it right now. I’ve struggled with depression throughout my life and can so relate to your frustration in not understanding why when you have such a wonderful family, life,… I’m so glad to hear you sought outside help and God, of course, met you right where you were :). He has an amazing way of doing that and bringing us through those dark valleys so much stronger and lighter than before. Many blessings! Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony.
Candace recently posted…A Hunger For God
Yes, it’s a weird dynamic when we feel like we have no “legitimate” reason for our sadness, even though the reality is our hearts are just sinful and broken and apart from Jesus, it makes complete sense that we would feel depressed! I appreciate your sweet words and wish your daughter all the best as she continues to navigate the transition into adulthood!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
Growing up is difficult. I think our hearts are always bent towards “home” as it represents the safety of our parents. Perhaps we are created as such to always have a heart that longs for our Abba Father. I felt much the same feelings as you when I first married. I am so grateful that our God was with me each step of those growing pains. May God use this testimony this week to help many! Wonderful post!
Joanne Viola recently posted…Without Seeing
I love that…my heart definitely feels a bent towards “home” that will never be satisfied in even the prettiest and happiest of houses! Beautiful. Thanks for reading, Joanne!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
Thanks Lauren for sharing your testimony with us and encourage us to keep walking in faith and fighting for the promises of God for our lives. Hugs!
Tayrina from http://www.atinymixof.com
Tayrina recently posted…Hand-writing cards has not gone out of fashion
Thanks for the encouragement and sweet words, Tayrina! ¡Mil gracias! 😉
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
Holly, thank you for sharing Lauren with us today. How compelling her words are as indeed, growing up is hard to do. At 58, I can share some days are still harder than others, then God takes my hand and reminds me that He is here and I am never alone. Even in the hard places. And that’s a blessing!
Susan Mead recently posted…Healing Is Possible
I love that reminder that really, the growing up never stops as long as we are growing into Jesus and walking with Him. Thankful for you, Susan!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
You are so worth it and fighting those feelings that so many of us experience that there is something wrong with us are so real. You shared beautifully the deep place in your heart that brought your emotions and vulnerability to the surface for all of us to see. Your testimony is one that many need to read and hear because we all need to be reminded that God pursues us even in our darkest moments. So glad you shared your story today.
Mary Geisen recently posted…When Your Heart is Full
Wow, thank you, Mary! I’ve gotten so much encouragement from the vulnerability of other bloggers and I love hearing that my words are encouraging to other as well. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
Ah Lauren, all those changes…the transition from college to “real” life AND being married-experiencing all these strange new things all at once can be debilitating. I’m so glad that you sought help, and fought for your marriage. No one really speaks about how hard it is to simply grow up. Your voice is one that is much needed in today’s younger generation. Bless you, sweetie!
Mary Dolan Flaherty recently posted…Twice-Baked Scripture-Hot Potato
Lauren, thanks for sharing your testimony today. I think so many young brides can relate. Those first years of marriage can be HARD, but so many of us are ashamed to say it because, well, aren’t we supposed to be happy??? so glad you got the counselling you needed. It’s part of your beautiful testimony now! May the Lord bless you and your husband greatly!
I continue on my growing up journey too, and I’m 51!
Hi there Holly, thanks for opening your beautiful place to all of us today.
Betsy de Cruz recently posted…6 Wonderful Things I Learned on my August Crazy Train
It’s amazing how something that’s supposed to be “happily ever after” can be so hard! Counseling taught us so much. I love hearing that the growing up never really stops. 🙂 Thanks for your sweet words!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
That’s a whole lot to take on in one year – the first year of teaching is often a brutal experience but when you combine that with trying to figure out marriage – negotiating how to live together, creating that identity as one – & grad school, it’s a lot. I’m glad that you were able to find your way back to what grounds & inspires you.
Jen recently posted…Tuesday Thanksgiving
Ha yes, it definitely was a lot but I’m grateful for all the ways we grew through it. Thanks for your sweet words!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
Lauren, You always bless me. I gained more than 30 lbs the first three months after Rev and I married. Like you, I had everything I’d dreamed of and still I was so sad. You’re right. Growing up isn’t easy. What joy to know we are loved and pursued by a great God who invites us to know and trust Him. He’s got this! His grace really is sufficient.
Deb Wolf recently posted…The 10 Best Ways to Start the Day Positively
Aw you’re so sweet! Marriage has definitely stretched me and challenged me in so many ways (many of them good). Thanks for your encouragement!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
I love this, Lauren, and I love that you’re so honest about the ways counseling has helped you. So many times Christians expect that God can and will heal it, but we forget that he uses a wide range of people and professionals to accomplish his purposes. I’m sure this is going to resonate with so many women going through life transitions.
Brittany Bergman recently posted…Savoring Life’s Simple Pleasures
Amen! –> “I started to see that His love for me was big enough to see through my demands for what I thought I needed to be happy…” Understand those shoes far too well. Cheering you on as you walk in His love, Lauren.
Kristi Woods recently posted…But What If I Know What’s Best for their Life, Lord?
Thanks for your encouragement, Kristi! 🙂
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
Lauren, two of my family members daily struggle with a mental illness. I know hard it can be. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Thanks, Tara! I hope those loved ones are finding hope and peace in the midst of their struggles!
Lauren English recently posted…Testimony Tuesday: Fighting For Healing
Lauren, what a beautiful testimony. Life change certainly can bring with it a crisis of faith, and yet God is patient and continues to draw us back to him. Your life is evidence of that. Thanks for sharing your story with us!
Linda Perkins recently posted…We Got This!